Drowning Emotions

Posted on Fri Sep 22nd, 2017 @ 9:50pm by Commander Christopher Samuels MDiv, PhD & Commander K'Niras Sh'howul

Mission: S01E01 - At the Brink of Night
Location: The Roosevelt Lounge
Timeline: Backpost

Christopher Samuels sat at a table in the corner near a viewport, nursing a drink. On the table was a data PADD tablet, the latest message from Dylan stating that their marriage was definitely over and that he wanted Christopher to make haste in signing the divorce papers. The letter was cold, distant even, it was very different from the letters he used to receive from his husband-soon to be ex-husband he supposed. He sighed, brought the tumbler to his lips and downed the rest of the amber liquid. He raised the glass high into the air, indicating to the lounge host he was ready for another. He wanted to drown his sorrows to the point he didn't feel anything anymore.

"How could I let this happen? How could I let this all fall apart?" he mumbled to himself as he buried his head in his hands.

K'Niras hit the lounge directly after his shift. He wanted time to relax and he also felt it might be a good chance to get to know some of his crewmates. Maybe. The doors slid shut behind him and he took several more steps into the room, looking around. It was his first time in the lounge. He had been so preoccupied with settling into his quarters and acclimating himself to the ship that he hadn't had much time to relax. He walked to the bar and ordered a drink, turning to look around the room again as he waited, his long, slender tail swished lazily back and forth behind him.

There were quite a few options for seating, but one did not get to know his crewmates by sitting by himself. Although he did notice a gentleman in the back corner that looked a little miserable. He had heard a few humans say that misery loved company and although he didn't really understand the meaning he made up his mind, took his drink from the bartender and made his way to the table. The man was in Command colors, but K'Niras couldn't see his rank pips from where he was. He stepped up to the older gentleman's table and cleared his throat a little. He could tell that the human was experiencing some sort of emotional strife. "Do you think it would help if you talked about it?" He didn't ask if he could sit, but he did sit at the table.

At the sound of a voice, Christopher looked up and almost-almost, was taken aback by what he saw. Despite having a long career in Starfleet, he had only seen a Caitian only once, and had yet to serve with one. He knew there was a question posed before him, but for the life of him it never sunk in. "I'm sorry... could you uh, repeat your question?"

K'Niras smiled, just showing his front teeth. He'd obviously startled the officer. "I asked if you would like to talk about it... you seemed like something was upsetting you." He didn't go into detail about how he could smell the human's sorrow. For Caitian's most emotions had smells. It wasn't always accurate, everyone was a little bit different, but it was often accurate enough that he felt comfortable assuming. "Are you alright?"

Before he answered, Christopher had wondered where his damn drink was. He raised the glass again, shaking it so the ice cubes clinked against the glass. He finally got the bartender's attention, gave a look of, What the heck, man!, and then set the tumbler back onto the table. "If you are a counselor then I'm fine and you should just move along. If you aren't a counselor..."

K'Niras put a paw up, interrupting. "I am no counselor. I am communications." He pushed his own drink toward the human. "You may have mine in the interim... while you wait for yours." His whiskers twitched and he made a soft chuffing sound. "And you sir, are on your way to a good drunk if I'm not mistaken... Those must be serious sorrows."

"Well..." Christopher leaned forward and squinted to see the rank on the new Starfleet Delta pin that was now affixed to everyone's chest. "Lieutenant who is in communications, sometimes you just need a good stiff drink to drown out what ales ya." Without hesitation he took the Caitian's drink and downed it in two gulps, once he took the glass from his lips he let out a satisfying sigh. He shuddered once the liquid hit his stomach. He felt his body relax, and his tongue loosened. "My husband of twenty years is divorcing me," he said as he pushed the PADD tablet toward the lieutenant. "It's a 'you better sign the papers or else' letter."

K'Niras' ears lay back in displeasure and his muzzle wrinkled. His eyes dropped to the PaDD on the table. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Now I understand the drinking... I have to admit that divorce is a concept that is still rather foreign to me. My people do not practice leaving those that they speak that love." His phrasing was sort of awkward in that way that happens when someone really doesn't understand something or it doesn't translate languages. "Of course I can't speak from experience... I've had lovers but I've never claimed a mate." He picked up the PaDD and started to read.

Christopher leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh we aren't divorcing because we stopped loving each other, we are divorcing because we can't decide what we want out of our lives. He wants us to retire from Starfleet or at least stay on earth, and I don't want to do that. I know he is hurting just as much as I am." The bartender brought over the drink and Christopher picked it up and downed it in another two gulps. He shuddered again. "Ah yeah that's the stuff right there... barkeep, I'll have another."

He now leaned forward, his crossed arms on the table now. He took off his glasses and immediately the room went blurry. His eyes were bloodshot from too much booze and fallen tears from earlier. "All I had to do was say yes, all I had to do was say that I would stay and everything would be okay. Though I can't blame him for this, I really can't. As put together as I am on duty, and serious with my career, I'm flighty, and I have wanderlust. I might be the voice of reason in a briefing, but in life outside of this uniform I am a selfish man." He brought the glass to his lips again and finished off the final dregs of his drink.

K'Niras nodded in agreement. "If I had a mate I was dedicated to... I would perhaps be selfish as well. It's terrible that you can't find some sort of compromise. I know many mated people that can somehow manage to be apart for years and remain married, but it is possibly not the lifestyle for everyone. I'd just... prefer not to have a mate at all." There seemed something a little off about his statement, but in Christopher's altered state he might not notice. "I know it is painful right now... but maybe it will be better this way?" he suggested, although he really didn't see how it possibly could be better.

"I don't want it to be better this way," Christopher said. "I want to be married to the man I've been with for almost half my life." He breathed out and rubbed his temple, a headache was forming and with that, he slipped his glasses back on and the room became sharp and in focus once again. "Why do you prefer not to take a mate?" he asked. He had been curious about that the moment the Caitian lieutenant had said it.

K'Niras looked around, his ears laying back slowly. It was almost as if he was trying to determine exactly what to say in response to Christopher's question. He finally, after several moments of uncomfortable silence, tipped his head to the side in a sort of half shrug. "I don't... really find myself with very traditional ideas about mates." He looked down at the tabletop, his ears still back. "It really isn't something that my family supports..." he said softly. One multicolored paw started to go around in a circle in front of him. "It's... hard to explain... I just... the idea of being with... I'm just not attracted to the mated life..." His emphasis was on the word "attracted".

Christopher stared at the Caitian for a long moment. Even in his inebriated state, he was piecing it all together. "Oh... I see..." he responded softly. He at least thought he got it, maybe he was wrong, but he didn't think so. He sobered and tried to sit a little straighter. "I'm Christopher by the way, I don't think I had introduced myself."

K'Niras nodded, still seeming a little uncomfortable. "It's nice to meet you, Christopher. I'm K'Niras. I didn't introduce myself either. I just helped myself to your problems." He smiled a little. It was right at that moment that the lounge host decided it was time to fill and refill their drinks. K'Niras paused while that happened and thanked the lounge host and downed his drink the moment the host stepped away from the table. "I suppose I shouldn't be quite so embarrassed... but it really isn't something that is easy for my people. Despite the fact that we have had the influence of other species for quite awhile, we are still very traditional in a lot of ways and do not embrace new ideas easily. Especially ones that... go against the fur."

Nodding, Christopher looked at the glass briefly but didn't make to grab it just yet. "It wasn't always acceptable for my people either," he said. "Mindsets shift, cultures shift, and things that were traditional now might not be that way in the future." He reached for his glass and wrapped his long fingers around it and drew it closer to himself. "If you ever wanna talk, you know about things, I'd be glad to listen." He brought the glass to his lips now and downed the drink in one swallow.

K'Niras chuckled a little. "I appreciate that, Christopher. Thank you. Part of my problem is that I don't really know how to talk about it." He did the head tip and half shrug again, looking around a little as well, almost as if he was worried about who might be listening.

"That can be tough, yes," Christopher agreed. "Maybe now that you know you are around someone you can talk to freely about it, it might help." This time it was he who shrugged. For himself, he always knew who he was, and when it came time to declare that, it was no big deal. Though, humans had moved past such prejudices, it always seemed odd that one had to declare that they were not in the norm even though it was part of the norm. This made his head spin just thinking about it, so he pushed away the thought.

"Did... did you always know?" K'Niras asked. "I really don't know where to start. I have very little experience, in these matters really. I just wanted to be a good ear for you mostly." He chuckled softly. "Seems that perhaps we will do each other some good. Although, I'm afraid that it's a mute point. I don't think my status will be changing anytime soon."

"I did," Christopher said, nodding. "I mean, I knew even before I knew what it all meant before I could even put a label to it." He reached for the PADD and picked up to stare at it. He recalled the last sentence:

I love you, I always will, but I just can't do this anymore. I need stability, and you seem incapable of providing that. I'm sorry, but I think this is for the best. I'm so sorry.

"Sometimes... it's just best to start at the beginning," Christopher whispered as he set the PADD down and his gaze swept back up to K'Niras. "Also, your status never has to change. It will change when you feel good and ready to allow it to change."

K'Niras sighed softly at his empty glass, his ears laying back again. "I feel like it's changed without me sometimes. At least I can be confident in serving the ship, it's just a little harder to be confident in myself." He stretched his paws out in front of him, extending his claws a little, then he proceeded to examine each claw closely, cleaning them as he went. "I don't see a lot of Caitians onboard. Not that I've noticed that stops people..." He chuckled. "I dunno... I think it might be a little late in my career to be looking for a date..." His tail slid back and forth slowly behind him. If Christopher spoke Caitian body language he would know that K'Niras was embarrassed.

The tail caught his attention and Christopher found himself staring at it for a few moments, mesmerized by the gentle sway of back and forth. After another few moments, he blinked and looked back at the Caitian and smiled. "It's never too late to find a date, no matter what age you are," he said. "As far as you being one of the few Caitians on board, I think things will change sooner rather than later. Starfleet is still fairly new in the scheme of things right? I think it will just take time for more of your people, more of any of the species out there, to realize what we are trying to accomplish here and join up. Though, I could be one human among a whole crew of humans and still feel isolated and alone."

K'Niras' whiskers twitched and pointed forward toward Christopher, in a pensive gesture. He nodded. "You're right. I'm trying not to be a wallflower though, which is why I came over and started chatting with you. I was also trying to make nice with the Andorian. I don't wish to be isolated and I don't want to let my species difference isolate me, but when I get on this subject... things become a little awkward for me. I think my parents actually gave up on me finding a mate." He chuckled. "Mostly because I joined Starfleet though and not because they are aware of my... situation. It is sort of refreshing to have someone to talk to. Although, in many ways it's also terrifying. If that makes any sense." He looked down at his empty glass and one ear swiveled back toward the bar. "I'm starting to think we should move closer to the bar rather than expect these drinks to get filled."

Christopher nodded. He completely understood, he had often been told those exact words It is refreshing to talk to someone, but terrifying as well, they certainly rang true for anyone, anywhere really. He offered a small, understanding smile as his gaze swept to the bar. "Actually," he began, "why don't you and I go for a walk?"

K'Niras nodded. "A walk sounds good. Thank you for being willing to talk to me. I am sorry about you and your mate, though. Perhaps just some time and patience." He got up out of the chair, his tail bouncing behind him like it was excited at the prospect of a walk.