Finding Your Voice, Part II

Posted on Tue Jan 30th, 2018 @ 7:55pm by Commander Christopher Samuels MDiv, PhD

Mission: S01E02 D-8 With the Devil
Location: Deck Two - Mess Hall

“Let me guess, he was your opposite. You were the introverted, shy, smart one and he was the extrovert, who struggled academically, but whom everyone liked?” Christopher guessed. He knew what it was like to have a brother who was his complete opposite. With twins it seemed almost obvious, at least in Arturo’s case it seemed obvious.

Arturo’s smile broadened at that and his cheeks lightly colored. His gaze dipped down to his food, not totally wanting to meet the commander’s gaze. The older man certainly seemed astute. “Yeah,” he said, looking up, “Antonio is really my opposite but he never minded that I am the way I am.”

“That’s good, because brothers—especially a twin brother—should never mind who you are,” Christopher said, as he plunged his fork into the enchilada bake. “Is your brother at the Academy?” He knew that Arturo had been wanted by the Academy, was sought out and given early admission, but that was a rarity. So, he had doubts the young man’s twin wouldn’t have been as lucky.

Arturo shook his head. “No,” he said simply at first. “I’m the only one who decided on Starfleet, in fact Antonio was the loudest when it came to protesting me joining.” He recalled the memory, the fight the two sixteen years had. It was brutal, and really all Arturo could do was fight back and then stay silent. He thought for sure his identical twin, his best friend, would have supported him. As the weeks went on the tensions had eased, but the hug they shared before he left on the transport felt forced. Over the past four years things had gotten better, of course, but it almost felt like things weren’t the same.

“I see,” Christopher replied, nodding. “I’m sure that had to have been tough, but it was important that you also follow your own path. Just like I’m sure your brother is doing as well.” He thought about all the times he had counseled siblings, or spouses, or partners over something like this. He thought about what had just transpired with Dylan, the ultimatum and how ultimately Christopher chose this path over his marriage. All of a sudden he felt sad by it, sad that he had to lose the love of his life over a career choice. But he had to do this, he wasn’t ready to settle down just yet, he couldn’t have regrets. Yet, he did…

Again Arturo pushed around the black beans that were on his plate. The food was fine, but it was nothing like his mother’s. He loved her black beans, they were just seasoned much better than what the galley had served. But food was food, and he wasn’t one to complain. “Did you always know what path you wanted?” he asked. He wasn’t’ sure if he had crossed a line, but the question was out there now and there was no taking it back.

That was a good question, in fact Christopher hadn’t thought about something like that in a long time. He had been in his career so long now, it was his life, and until recently, Dylan was his life. When he had met Dylan, his path had changed, and when they married, his path changed again. He could say that paths were always changing, but was that really true? He could make the argument that despite his life choices changing, his path never waivered. He wanted to become a scientist, and he wanted to join Starfleet. He did both of those things, he was proud to wear the uniform and very proud of what he had accomplished in his career. Yet, here he was stumped by such a simple question.

Christopher looked to Arturo, who was staring back expectedly. The young man was eager for an answer; he could see it in the dark pools that were Arturo’s brilliant brown eyes. “I suppose I did. My life has had a lot of twists and turns, there were times questioned my role in some things but I always knew that this was my path, my journey. Call it determination, call it ambition, call it faith, whatever it might be, I just knew that this was what I was meant for. Rank, position, all came by happenstance, but to be a scientist, to be a Starfleet officer, to be an explorer, is something I’ve always knew I wanted.” He smiled, how could he not really. Despite his personal life being a mess, despite his vision hindered, he clung to his faith in that he knew what the uniform he wore each and everyday meant. He knew what it meant to those he served with, what it meant to the Federation, and what it meant to those in need. His faith, wearing the uniform is what got him up each and every morning.

In short, he wanted to make sure he made a difference.

Arturo let what the commander said sink in, he didn’t have an immediate response to any of it. All he could say was, “Thank you for saying that… I mean, for being so upfront about it with me. I’m sure not everyone would be so open.” He was fairly certain that Commander Samuels was an exception. In the Academy they were taught exactly what their role would be when they exited the Academy. He had one instructor who was adamant that a CO and XO were not there to worry about the junior staff. He had remembered questioning that, and then reminded to not ask questions like that. It left Arturo unsettled, weren’t the CO and XO people to look up to and to learn from? They got their positions for a reason after all? Shouldn’t the junior staff strive to be like that? Maybe not exactly like the command staff, but at least learn from them?

Commander Samuels clearly was a capable officer, and he felt the same way about Captain Figueroa. They were flawed, of course, but yet had strength about them that he didn’t see in most people. He knew they were both war veterans, and he knew that was part of their strength. In a way, he admired them and considered them role models for the crew. He knew that seemed cheesy in a way, but he couldn’t really think of any other way to put it.

“No problem, Arturo,” Christopher replied. “I want you to be able to feel comfortable around me, and to be able to come to me if you have an issue. My door is always open to you, or to anyone else who may need to talk. I know I wear many hats on this ship, but my most important hat revolves around being there for the crew when needed. No issue is ever too big or too small, understand?” He waited for an affirmation, which came in the form of a nod, before he continued. “I remember when I was first starting out, I remember the feeling of being the lowest man on the totem pole and feel like I don’t have a voice. You do have a voice Arturo, you just need to find it, and when you do, I have a feeling it’s going to be a great one.” He offered the young man a reassuring smile, and followed that up with a nod.

Arturo’s cheeks colored at the compliment. He had never been good at accepting compliments, which was something he wanted to work on. “Thank you, sir,” he replied, still not feeling comfortable using the commander’s given name.

For the next hour, Arturo and Commander Samuels talked. They talked about their lives, their careers, their interests and hobbies. Samuels had asked a lot of questions of the young man, and Arturo did his best to answer. Samuels had once again reiterated his door was always open and that if there was anything he needed, he just had to let him know. He was once again congratulated for the promotion and then Samuels took his leave.

Once Commander Samuels had left, Arturo found himself letting go a sigh of relief. He of course relaxed as the two continued their conversation, but still it was an unnerving experience for the young ensign. Samuels had a way about him, he was kind, and gentle and never called out Arturo for saying something idiotic, or silly, or cliché. He picked up his own tray and put it in the bin and left the mess hall. He knew he would need to find his voice, if he did, he knew he could do great things but in the here and now he just needed to become more confident. He was more than just a head full of numbers and algorithms and navigational skill. He was much more and he had potential, potential that Captain Figueroa and Commander Samuels had seen. That certainly was a boost to his confidence and his self-esteem.

However, he still could feel that feeling of not being sure in the pit of his belly. He had knowledge, but experience was where he lacked. He knew there would be mistakes along the way, but he also knew that in order to succeed he would have to learn from those mistakes. He recalled what Commander Samuels said, about finding his voice, and about the path he was on was meant to be. Arturo took comfort in that…

“I just have to find my own voice,” he said softly.

With that he knew he would hit some bumps and twists and turns in his path, but that was okay. As long as he had his voice, as long as he was confident, he could conquer just about anything.

And conquer he would…